Will and Cowardice

Why do we quit trying when we realize we are capable of failure? Why do we settle for exhausting ourselves at menial jobs that are organized and scheduled out for us, so that all we have to do is get up and go? We mindlessly do what we are trained to do, we pay our never-ending bills and taxes and are starved for creative stimulation. And just so we do not have to think about how we are rotting in our bodies, we numb ourselves with boob-tube and web surfing; prescription medication and alcohol. How did we get so lazy as to dismiss our dreaming as foolish fantasy? An old forgotten saying haunts me. "Where there is a will, there is a way." If this is true, what happened to will? Are we not willing to risk failure? The cowardice is shocking. MY cowardice is shocking.

Welcome to the Freak Show

Sometimes I feel like a freak. More accurately, I feel like a freak show has pitched its tent inside my head. Members of this freak show include the Control Freak, the Anxiety Freak, the Anti-Social Freak, and the Social Freaky Freak. The Control Freak is of course the ring leader, closely ranked by the Anxious Freak. The problem with this particular hierarchy rears its freaky head when the Anxious Freak questions the ruling powers and decision making of Captain Control. When this occurs, I become a controlling nervous mess- thinking that I know how things should be done and being terrified that those I'm attempting to control will notice the obnoxious powers of no. 1 Freak and hate me. Attempting to control the Control Freak pushes the Anti-Social Freak into the center ring. Instead of successfully overthrowing the Control Freak, I close the tent flaps and quit admitting audiences. Without anyone but the other freaks to control, No. 1 Freak spirals out of control, full of angst and lacking purpose. This is when the Social Freak gets his moment in the spotlight. When all the other freaks are spent, the Social Freaky Freak plays the fool; the jester who distracts audiences from the exhaustion of the rest of the troupe that traverses the folds of my gray matter. This guy is just embarrassing. Of course, when the fool has run out of jokes, the Control Freak has recovered and the Freak show begins again.

how trendy of me!

thank you andrea for follow shannon's lead in making an awesome to-do list and encouraging me to do the same. this is a trend totally worth following, as long as i stick to my guns and complete the list.

the following is a list of things i am going to attempt to accomplish by the end of 2009. some of these things i hope to establish as a permanent part of my life. i will keep you updated on completion of list items. hopefully this will assist in motivating me into living actively and not passively.

- plant a garden
- go fishing
- keep a blog
- start a small business
- learn to meditate
- meet mickey mouse
- plan a honeymoon
- find new tires for my schwinn
- acquire "girlfriends"
- write a letter a week to someone I love
- build a snowman
- learn about botany and wilderness survival
- become learned on our taxation systems and laws
- learn to play my guitar properly
- learn oil painting techniques
- advance my drawing skills
- acquire a set of woodcarving tools and carve things
- read all book recommendations made to me
- create a long term savings plan (outside of Caleb's pension)
- start using my sewing machine on a regular basis

i will probably add to the list as i think of more things..